When to Make It Official: How to Have the "What Are We" Talk Without Awkwardness

Nobody teaches you how to have the 'what are we?' conversation. Most people either avoid it for too long or bring it up too early - both of which create problems. Here's how to actually navigate it.

When to Have the Conversation

There's no fixed timeline, but a few signals suggest you're both ready: you've been consistently seeing each other for 6-10 weeks, you're both not actively dating other people, you feel comfortable enough to be honest with each other, and you're genuinely enjoying the direction things are heading.

Signs You're Ready

• –You've met some of each other's friends
• –Plans are being made further than a week in advance
• –Neither of you is bringing up other people you're dating
• –The connection feels consistent, not hot and cold
• –You actually like who they are as a person, not just the excitement

How to Bring It Up

Don't make it a formal meeting or a heavy conversation. Bring it up naturally when you're together and the mood is relaxed.

• –✅ 'I'm not really interested in dating anyone else - I wanted to check in and see where you're at.'
• –✅ 'I've been enjoying this a lot. I'd like this to be something more defined.'
• –❌ 'We need to talk about what we are' (creates unnecessary pressure)
• –❌ Bringing it up over text

If They're Not Ready

This is the hard part. 'I'm not there yet' is an honest answer that deserves respect. But 'I don't know' after 3 months of regular dating is also information - usually that they want the benefits without the commitment, or they're genuinely undecided and you're waiting on someone who may never decide.

Be honest about how long you're willing to wait. That's not an ultimatum - it's knowing your own needs.

If You're Both Ready

Keep it simple. You don't need a proclamation. 'Then let's do this' is enough. The conversation matters less than the consistency that follows it.

What 'Official' Actually Means and Why It Matters

Being 'official' is about alignment, not a title. What changes is the shared understanding: you're not dating other people, you're building something, and you're both choosing it explicitly. The title 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' is less important than the shared clarity that you're both on the same page about exclusivity and direction.

Without that clarity, you get the 'situationship' problem - both people feeling connected without security, both holding back from fully investing because the definition is ambiguous. The DTR (define the relationship) conversation exists to close that ambiguity. It's not about locking something down; it's about not wasting each other's time with false assumptions.

Red Flags Around the DTR Conversation

• –They avoid the conversation repeatedly when you try to bring it up
• –They say 'I don't like labels' to avoid commitment while continuing to receive the benefits of a relationship
• –They get upset that you even want to have the conversation
• –They say they're not ready but give no timeline or indication of what would change that
• –The answer keeps changing depending on how the conversation is going

The Version That Works

Pick a relaxed moment - after a nice evening, on a walk, somewhere you're both comfortable. Keep your tone light and direct. 'Hey, I want to check in with you about something. I've really been enjoying what we've been building, and I'm not interested in dating anyone else. I wanted to see if you feel the same way.' Then listen.

If they feel the same - great. Make it simple and move on to enjoying your evening. If they're not sure - that's an honest answer that deserves a conversation about what they need. If they're definitively not interested in being exclusive - that's information you needed, even if it's disappointing.

After the Conversation

Regardless of the outcome, the conversation itself changes the dynamic. If it went well, you both have more security and can invest more fully. If it didn't go the way you hoped, you have real information rather than ambiguity. Either outcome is better than the indefinite limbo of not knowing.

Common Mistakes

• –Bringing it up over text - this conversation needs to be in person
• –Having it after 2-3 dates when there's not enough foundation yet
• –Avoiding it for 6+ months because you're afraid of the answer
• –Making it a formal, heavy conversation when it can be warm and simple
• –Needing the conversation to go perfectly - ambiguity in their response isn't necessarily a bad sign
• –Assuming you're exclusive without having the conversation - then being blindsided

Frequently Asked Questions

How long should you date before making it official?

There's no universal rule, but 6-10 weeks of regular, consistent dating is usually enough time to know whether you want to be exclusive. Less than a month is often too soon - you're still in the high-chemistry early phase and haven't seen each other in enough different contexts. Longer than 3 months without the conversation usually means one or both people are avoiding it.

What if I want to be official but I'm scared to bring it up?

That fear is normal. The question to ask yourself: is the fear about them specifically (signs they're not interested), or about vulnerability in general (fear of rejection regardless of signs)? If it's the former, gather more information by paying attention to their behavior. If it's the latter, the fear won't go away by waiting - it only goes away by having the conversation.

What do you say when they say they're not ready?

'Not ready' requires follow-up questions. 'Not ready' meaning they need more time with a clear sense of what would change that - okay. 'Not ready' as an indefinite state with no direction - that's not a relationship in progress, that's an ambiguous connection with unclear future. You're allowed to need a timeline. You're allowed to decide that indefinite 'not ready' isn't something you want to sign up for.

Sources & Further Reading

• –Psychology Today - How to Define the Relationship (DTR) Without Ruining It (psychologytoday.com)
• –Pew Research Center - Relationship Milestones and Modern Dating (pewresearch.org)
• –Journal of Social and Personal Relationships - Timing of Commitment in New Relationships